Weekly Q&A: What’s something you should always keep in your car?

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An AK-47. These actually aren’t too difficult to get, and cost about seven Benjamins at the black market. There’s nothing greater than your safety, so having a very reliable assault rifle that is effective against people who cut you off and slow Asian women drivers is totally worth it. A great alternative is the MP5K which has virtually no recoil, making it perfect for close-quarters combat with those unexpected carjackers, annoying backseat drivers, or those irritating bugs that keep flying through your open window. But if you’re looking for something a little more handy for crowd control, then look no further than the laser-guided M202A2 multi-missile launcher to clear up those assholes causing the traffic jam up ahead. Thanks for the question paranoid-driver!

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Fat Kids Get Picked Last

I was a fat kid in middle school, but not the fattest. She was in special ed, and had down syndrome. Teachers deemed it inappropriate to make fun of her, so the class defaulted to me for the butt end of their jokes. Did I mention I was brown too? Fat, round and brown. Yup. So technically being the fattest kid in school, you get picked last for team sports such as flag football, volleyball, or basketball. My time to shine came once a year, when we played tug-of-war. People would punch throats and wish death on their mothers if they didn’t get me — okay it wasn’t that intense – and I felt important for about a week. Then the other fifty-one weeks of the year, I was “round-brown” again. In many ways, we have that fat kid inside who values recognition, and maybe an occasional Snicker’s Ice Cream bar. I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that I wasn’t the fattest kid in school.

“Drooling Daisy” died of diabetes the following year because she consumed concealed candy kids kept from teachers.


6 Ways To Confirm If You’re Following Correct Advice

Work hard, eat right, and sleep well.” Whenever we hear a cliché response such as this for success advice, I’m sure a certain friend, relative, or perky fitness trainer comes to mind. For me, it’s my cynical old grandmother. Chances are, they probably aren’t superstar-level successful since they can’t apply what they teach. This checklist is a serious effort to make sure that you are succeeding. Just don’t take it that seriously though. Seriously.

You can’t fall asleep when trying to going to bed, and have difficulty waking up the next morning. Sound familiar? Excellent. I’ve had the same problem many times. This means that you’re too busy stressing out about the things you want, should, or could be doing better with your life – or maybe you just have kids and annoying gardener that makes too much noise —  either way, getting a good amount of sleep clearly indicates that you are living a stress-free life. If you’re sleeping, you’re not succeeding. If you suffer from getting a good amount of sleep every night, here are some ways to prevent it: listen to the radio, eat sugary foods, or try self-manufactured cocaine if you want a calorie-free option. It helped Charlie Sheen succeed, it might just work for you.

  •  Eating out daily like a wealthy food critic

I really love sleep. So why sacrifice time making food, when you can catch up on valuable sleep? You’re already lacking sleep from a busy schedule of being productive. Only people who have time to waste can actually sit down at the table and enjoy breakfast. Eating out constantly means that you have the ability to fork out $10-20 dollars per meal because of a well-paying job. So that means you are already succeeding financially! If you don’t have the money to eat out constantly, try eating for free at weddings. You just need to find a plan to sneak in somehow.

  • You get a lot of unexplained headaches

Ah yes, the best indicator of success: if you’re not getting headaches, you’re not using your brain enough. Like any other muscle in the body, the brain gets sore if you use it too much. Thinking exercises the brain. Migraines are EVEN better because, unlike regular headaches, they feel like an ax splitting your head open. That means your brain is growing at an unprecedented rate – and a big brain can always help you succeed. If you’re not getting headaches, try getting less sleep and eating out more frequently. This way, you can develop high blood-pressure and abnormally high triglyceride levels. If you’re worried about gaining weight, you can always order exercise equipment off of a crappy infomercial, or watch YouTube workout videos of mid-western ninja masters.

Whoa, hold on Jay-Ram! You promised six tips, yet you only gave us three. Way to mislead us! 

No, no I totally gave you six! Just re-read the beginning of the post 😉

Have a list of your own? Forgot to add something? Feel free to share your thoughts below!