Q&A

Weekly Q&A: What’s something you should always keep in your car?

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An AK-47. These actually aren’t too difficult to get, and cost about seven Benjamins at the black market. There’s nothing greater than your safety, so having a very reliable assault rifle that is effective against people who cut you off and slow Asian women drivers is totally worth it. A great alternative is the MP5K which has virtually no recoil, making it perfect for close-quarters combat with those unexpected carjackers, annoying backseat drivers, or those irritating bugs that keep flying through your open window. But if you’re looking for something a little more handy for crowd control, then look no further than the laser-guided M202A2 multi-missile launcher to clear up those assholes causing the traffic jam up ahead. Thanks for the question paranoid-driver!

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Q&A

Weekly Q&A: When is it appropriate to fart in front my significant other?

I question you as a person gastricwarrior. Well, it depends on how long you’ve known the person. If you’re both between the one and six month dating period, it’s a bit risky so definitely hold it in. At about six months to a year, you could try out test farts to see if they can feel the “nature of the beast,” but I would still advise against it. I would wait until you guys have been going out for at least fifty years or more, when you and your significant have lost the motor skills to control flatulence, because otherwise it’s NEVER okay to unleash your gassy wrath in front of anyone. It’s rude!Fart Q&A Pic That’s why you save it for people you hate in elevators. Have a nice day!

Have a question? Ask me here!

Q&A, School

Weekly Q&A: How Do I Stop Procrastinating??

This week’s anonymous question was submitted by luvalaf. If you’d like to submit a question, you can find the page here.

Chemistry or Cute Animals? The Struggle Is Real.
Chemistry Exams Or Cute Animals? The Struggle Is Real.

A: What makes procrastination so difficult is that most of us would rather do nothing than work. NOTHING! Now add in cat videos on YouTube, checking Groupon deals in email, and a myriad of other social media options and it seems like all hope is lost. But, the important thing to remember is that procrastination is a habit, and habits are difficult yet very possible to change, and all change begins from within. Make the commitment to yourself to improve your life, and make small adjustments daily and good things will follow. Why not start today? 😉

Food, Q&A

Weekly Q&A: What Is The Best Way To Enjoy Stinky Tofu?

This week’s question comes from Foodie411. If you enjoy reading, ask an anonymous question here!

Q: What is the best way to enjoy stinky tofu? And what does it smell like?

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Stinky tofu is usually sold in open-air night markets because of its strong stench.

A: The biggest problem with eating stinky tofu is the horrid smell. The best way to get rid of the stench is by immediately throwing that shit away, and then slapping yourself for almost eating garbage. The night when I tried it, most of the people in line were either drunk or eating it as a dare. As for the second part of the question, I think the best way to express my disgust is through video — so stay tuned this week for my stinky tofu rant!

Q&A

Weekly Q&A: Five Ways to Hang With A $20

This week’s question comes from Yesy A. If you’d like to ask a question, you can find the link here.

Q: What’s the best way to spend $20, but still have an awesome night with friends?

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A: An awesome night with friends for just $20? How about Taco Tuesday night at a midget strip club in Mexico? There are many factors to consider: the area where people live, transportation, social preferences of the individual, etc. So I’ll cover the top five ways to pick up a date in $20:

1) Food: I would go Asian. Vietnamese sandwiches, Taiwanese dumplings, Chinese noodles; even though you’ll gain calories faster than you can say “carbohydrates,” going to any area with a predominantly Asian population will tend to have very cheap, delicious and affordable food. The only drawbacks might be the language barrier and sanitation laws, but hey! Who’s up for an adventure? Check out some of my food reviews to get some ideas.

2) Beverages:  If you’re looking for a little sugar to sweeten up your conversation, some expensive-ass Starbucks will do the trick. I also recommend going to a boba (squishy tapioca ball drink) shop like Tastea, Lollicup, or some “hole-in-the-wall.” Those places tend to be open later (and a littler cheaper too).

3) Entertainment: Dollar theaters. On certain days however, regular theaters will play new movies for a discounted price. I personally love these, and you can find out about them on your smartphone app or that ancient relic called a newspaper. Knowledge is power, especially on a budget.

4) Entertainment #2: Comedy shows. The ones that give free tickets, and usually a two-item food minimum. So technically you’re paying for the show, but that’s where the drawback ends. If you go to a comedy show where good comics are performing, you pretty much get a meal, drinks (depending on what you buy) and about an hour and half to two hours of solid, live comedy.  Oh did I mention I’m also a stand-up comic? You can check out and like my page here: my super awesome page-thing.

5) Random: Gas money. Use those $20 bucks, fill up 1/16th of your gas tank, and go on adventure! To the beach, the aforementioned midget strip club, or just cruising. The best thing right now, during the holidays, is checking out the lights and holiday decorations!

Remember, it’s not as important what you do but who you do. I mean, who you do it with! Money should only enhance the hangout, but not be the crux of it. So what do you think? Have a “hole-in-the-wall” place you’d like to share? Love, hate, or have an addendum for my list?  Let me know in your comments below!

Q&A, Weddings

Weekly Q&A: What’s one of the smartest “fat jokes” you’ve ever said to someone?

Hey everyone! Last week, I added an “Ask Me Anything” feature to my site to allow people to ask me questions anonymously.  I’ll pick and answer one question every Sunday evening, and post the Q&A to my main site. You can find the question form here. As the title suggests, you can ask me about anything. So, without waiting any further, here is the first question asked by MapleWarrior42 !

Q: What’s one of the smartest “fat jokes” you’ve ever said to someone?

A: Thanks for your question! Well I think it’s stupid to make fun of anyone for just being fat. It’s like “Oh look! A large person. They’re so large. Hahaha!” That’s pretty dumb, like middle school shit. But if that fat person also happens to be an asshole, then I have no problem calling them an idiotic walrus, wildebeest or whale. Like this one time at a friend’s wedding, we had “classy” girl at our table guzzle nine or ten tequila shots and start acting obnoxious; doing things like destroying furniture, knocking over people’s drinks, and yodeling in drunken gibberish. Normally, girls would KO after that much alcohol, but this girl had an imposing body like a beached whale; so her large body mass prevented her from passing out. And while this is happening, her boyfriend never intervened and no one expressed their disdain. Eventually, some females took her to the bathroom, and the boyfriend started talking to us as if nothing happened, and I said “You must be Ishmael.” “What? Why?” “Because your girlfriend is acting like fucking Moby Dick.”

Uncategorized

The LA County Fair Is A Standard Affair

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I used to spend Sundays sleeping in and detoxing my system from partying the previous night. But today I’m detoxing a deep-fried Snicker’s bar from the LA County Fair instead of alcohol! And comparatively speaking, I think booze would be healthier and cheaper than some of the LA County Fair’s food offerings. Some of the novelty things I tried were chocolate-covered bacon (which tastes exactly like it sounds) and the aforementioned deep-fried Snicker’s bar, which is melted chocolate and nuts battered in a heart attack. The biggest disappointment was Pink’s Hot Dogs. Ask yourself this: “Would I really like to waste an hour of my life waiting in line to spend an extra $10 on a grocery store-quality hot dog?” You can get the same thing for almost 1/10 the price and waiting time at Costco! The food was pretty expensive, which is standard fare for a fair, and the only thing worth the $19 entry is the petting zoo. Sheeps galore! As for food offered there, King Taco is probably the most delicious Mexican food I’ve had, but you don’t have to pay the admission fee to get your hands on some. Just go to the stand-alone restaurants in LA. As for the (burned) bacon-wrapped Turkey leg … let’s just say I didn’t eat all of it as my picture above illustrates! Trust me on this, the Orange County Fair is much more fun overall than LA’s.