How To Get Your International Idiot License

My stepdad invited a friend of his from India to help us with our pizza parlor. His friend had a slight problem with the English language: he could barely speak it. There were several times I wanted to beat the crap out of him with a Merriam-Webster dictionary.

He would constantly offend customers by asking them inappropriate questions, such as if they wanted his sausage in their “pieces.” When the customers would cuss him out, I would have to clarify that he meant “pizzas.” He also had this odd tendency to raise both eyebrows after every statement he made, like a villain from a 1970s movie.

About six months after arriving from India, he wanted to learn how to drive. My parents, being Asian, convinced him to save money by not going to driving school and use me as a free teacher instead. I was being used for free child labor in the kitchen anyways, so why not. Plus, the working conditions were probably not as bad for me as children in Chinese sweatshops.

He had difficulty comprehending the written test questions in English, so my stepdad found out that they offered the exam in other languages such as Chinese, Arabic and Braille. Yes, Braille. Because it makes sense to give blind people the right to take a driving test. Anyway, his friend got really excited after finding out he could take the test in Punjabi. They both started Bollywood dancing in their ridiculous chef hats in the kitchen. I told them I thought that didn’t make any sense. They both stopped dancing and asked me why I thought it didn’t make sense to take the test in Punjabi.

Because road signs are written in mother f***ing English!!

I got grounded. No video games. For a month. His friend failed the driving test all three times. But he earned his license…to be an international idiot.

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